Nevermind I'l find someone like you...

Started talkin to this guy we'll call him "the therapist"until I get to know him better and see where this goes. Started talkin thru Facebook, he seems to be a genuine sweetheart so far. He's a couple years older than me, has 2 kids 5 & 2, in the Air force, lives with him mom, has had his heartbroken a few times, listens to me gripe and groan like he's my therapist and seems genuinly interested in getting to know ME, and even asks questions about Jackson. He makes me laugh and feel comfortable with being me, that doesn't happen very often, but haven't seen him in person in probably 15 years (he used to ride the same bus I did back in school). Set up a date for March 10th, he's on base in Peru, Indiana, hour and a half drive, but I figure its worth a shot right?!?! I mean he seems like a great guy, and he can't really be worse than i've dated in the past.... So i'm spending the next almost 2 weeks tanning and trying to tone my mid section...

Ps I have an appointment to get my hair cut at Vera Jolie on Leap day! I can't wait!!!!

I hope you dance

Jackson and I attended the mother/son dance last night at Riverside Center. It was so much fun! We danced to footloose, the beach boys, dynamite, the chicken dance, capser slide, the hokey pokey, and even got to slow dance to I hope you dance and I swear! That part was really special to me because I got to teach my son how to slow dance! I remember my sister Tanya getting on her knees and teaching me when I was younger! Jackson and I got to share a very special evening that I will never forget and hopefully neither will he. As we were leaving he asked if we could do it again, I said next year they will have another one, he said but thats an entire year away!!! Poor kid is gonna be just like his mother and be in moods where he HAS to dance! He is a great dancer, I don't know where he learns all of those moves, but he sure was movin his little butt all night! To be totally honest, I can't wait for the next one either!!

Turn around....

Yep, slowly things are starting to turn around again!! Things with the car arr coming along slowly, but the fuel gauge seems to be working by itself, and Ted and Jereme got the heat to work... (still doesn't work in the mornings when I really need it, but its workin part time at least!) Went and put a mattress on layaway, just hoping its a good one. My room is a disaster, but I just don't have any motivation right now. Jax doesn't seem to want to spend anytime with me anymore... Can't really blame him, mamas a drag these days.

It happens

So I got this car... I love it, BUT, its being a pain in my ass and my wallet... So far we've changed the fuel pump, fuel filter, fuel neck, rear brakes, and thermostat... Now there ia an air bubble in the heating system somewhere and I can't get any heat. This morning when I got to work, the check engine light (which is always on) started flashing at me, and the car started to shake, and when I went to lunch, it was making a ticking noise and shaking worse... I'm scared that yet again i've fallen in love with something I won't be able to keep....  Oh and the list of things we've still got to fix is: alternator is slipping, the key fits in the hole weird, the rear strut needs fixed, and brake wear warnibg light is still on... I just can't seem to win in anything I do anymore... So much for a better 2012...

Alone again... Naturally (but not totally)

You know what drives me INSANE???
All of these people that try to 'console' me by saying "you've got your child" no shit I've got my child.... He is an amazingly smart, cute as can be, little guy that I love so much.... But there is a part of me that he can't get to. He makes me smile, makes me laugh and makes me cry...he is everything I could have ever even hoped for and more. But there is this longing inside of me.... a need for adult affection, attention, fun, & love.... Not just from my child. Yes I have my son, and I thank God I do, and I wouldn't trade him for all the riches in the world, but one day he will be grown and ready to leave... I want to find someone to share my life with, someone who can know the joy my child brings me, and be involved in the day to day... Someone to lean on when I feel like i'm going to break, someone to hold at nights....

Katy Perry's 'Part of Me' song....

Days like this I want to drive away Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade 'Cause you chewed me up and spit me out Like I was poison in your mouth You took my light, you drained me down That was then and this is now Now look at me

This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no Throw your sticks and stones Throw your bombs and your blows But you're not gonna break my soul This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no

I just wanna throw my phone away Find out who is really there for me 'Cause you ripped me off, your love was cheap Was always tearing at the seams I fell deep and you let me drown But that was then and this is now Now look at me

This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no Throw your sticks and stones

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/part-of-me-lyrics-katy-perry.html ] Throw your bombs and your blows But you're not gonna break my soul This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no

Now look at me, I'm sparkling A firework, a dancing flame You won't ever put me out again I'm glowing, oh woah oh You can keep the dog from me I never liked him anyway In fact you can keep everything Yeah, yeah Except for me

This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no Throw your sticks and stones Throw your bombs and your blows But you're not gonna break my soul This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no

This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no Throw your sticks and stones Throw your bombs and your blows But you're not gonna break my soul This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no

Maneater

I finally got it! The car is MINE! Signed the check and the title yesterday, then got up at 6:30 this morning so I could help Ted and Jeremy with the fuel pump and brakes.... 3 trips back to Advanced, spilled gas, wrong fuel pumps, a new fuel filter, new break lines, the wrong battery, 1 smashed hand (Ted's), and 12 hours later, the car is parked in my spot! It still has some minor issues, but they will get done soon! Justin even has a cd player and possibly some speakers that he said he'd install for me!! Neved had a car that I even thought 'worthy' of having a cd player installed! I'm so frikkin stoked and can't wait to get my seat covers and everything in it!! This car just suits me, its small, fast, sexy (hahaha), has some body issues, and still looks great :-) I'm a die-hard Chevy girl at heart, but this car has put a huge smile on this girls face!!!

Changes

Is it really for the best? I feel like I'm always running, trying to get away from my past... But it alwaya finds me no matter what I do l. I change my hair, my weight, my taste in music... Usually for a guy. I get a new phone, change my number... Doesn't stop the reminders. I get a new car, people get used to it, so I'm getting a different car yet again... When I was younger, we moved constantly, we moved into this apartment nearly 6 years ago... That is a lifetime in thia family believe me! Maybe we need to start looking into moving, maybe that will help us all... Here we just all seem to get on each others nerves, proba ly because we've got 4 people in a 2 bedroom apartment... none of us really have our own space...

Easy come, easy go

2012 sure has been one hell of a year already and we are only in the first week of February! I bought myself a new phone, bought myself some Jessica Simpson knee high boots, bought myself a Dolce & Gabana purse, and I'm in the process of buying myself a different car! I can't wait to get it and get it fixed up so I can add all my little personal touches! It is 1999 Mercury Cougar, 2 door, white with a V6! I bought the Dolce purse because it was beautiful and red... And will ge perfectly with this car! I may not be the hottest bitch around, but once I gef this car fixed up, fill my purse and zip on my boots, I will be fuckin close!  I even started tanning again thanks to this car! I am so excited and ready for a fresh start!

The race is on

Yep that's me, the last choice of many... a guy who 'loves' me, a guy who has nothing better to do, my son, my 'best' friend, my father, my siblings, my work, my mom.... I'm the odd chick out I guess always have been... I've realized this more and more in the short 2012 that has gone  by so far. Yes it sucks, because not everyone has put me in last place, but my mind set believes they do from the very begining... It isn't fair to the people i'm just getting to know, but it's what i've gotten used to, what I have trained my brain (and heart for that matter) to believe and to react accordingly. I try not to open up or get to close. I shut down if someone does get to close or I think that i'm headed into a situation that I will end up getting hurt from.  It feels horrible when you are sitting 2 feet away from someone, and the next day they have the same conversation they had the night before because they actually forgot you were in the room with them... I mean really!?!?! Am I that forgetable? Do I mean that little? Am I really that insignificant? I've known for a long time that I was an accidental pregnancy for my parents, and that my mother had a misscarriage between all of my siblings except for my sister and I, technically I should have been a misscarriage... Its kind of a joke in our family, but this year right before my 27th birthday I found out that my mother was actually going to have.me aborted, she was on her way to the clinic when she felt me move... Had I not moved inside her at that moment, I wouldn't have been born.somedays I don't know why I was....