Alone again... Naturally (but not totally)

You know what drives me INSANE???
All of these people that try to 'console' me by saying "you've got your child" no shit I've got my child.... He is an amazingly smart, cute as can be, little guy that I love so much.... But there is a part of me that he can't get to. He makes me smile, makes me laugh and makes me cry...he is everything I could have ever even hoped for and more. But there is this longing inside of me.... a need for adult affection, attention, fun, & love.... Not just from my child. Yes I have my son, and I thank God I do, and I wouldn't trade him for all the riches in the world, but one day he will be grown and ready to leave... I want to find someone to share my life with, someone who can know the joy my child brings me, and be involved in the day to day... Someone to lean on when I feel like i'm going to break, someone to hold at nights....

The race is on

Yep that's me, the last choice of many... a guy who 'loves' me, a guy who has nothing better to do, my son, my 'best' friend, my father, my siblings, my work, my mom.... I'm the odd chick out I guess always have been... I've realized this more and more in the short 2012 that has gone  by so far. Yes it sucks, because not everyone has put me in last place, but my mind set believes they do from the very begining... It isn't fair to the people i'm just getting to know, but it's what i've gotten used to, what I have trained my brain (and heart for that matter) to believe and to react accordingly. I try not to open up or get to close. I shut down if someone does get to close or I think that i'm headed into a situation that I will end up getting hurt from.  It feels horrible when you are sitting 2 feet away from someone, and the next day they have the same conversation they had the night before because they actually forgot you were in the room with them... I mean really!?!?! Am I that forgetable? Do I mean that little? Am I really that insignificant? I've known for a long time that I was an accidental pregnancy for my parents, and that my mother had a misscarriage between all of my siblings except for my sister and I, technically I should have been a misscarriage... Its kind of a joke in our family, but this year right before my 27th birthday I found out that my mother was actually going to have.me aborted, she was on her way to the clinic when she felt me move... Had I not moved inside her at that moment, I wouldn't have been born.somedays I don't know why I was....